When does a "family tradition" cease to be a "family tradition" worth upholding?
Is it when the last member of an upper generation dies?
Is it when the youngest generation starts to get married and have kids and need to balance seeing both sides of their families?
I might say I suspect that the time to forge new traditions, or at least to tweak the old ones, is when everyone in the "kid" generation starts getting married and has their own family units to tend to, to nurture, to spend time with...
But sometimes it isn't that clean. Sometimes you want to hold onto the old traditions and gatherings for just a few more years while the matriarch/patriarch of the family is still able to enjoy seeing the little ones running around. Sometimes there are family struggles and scary times that necessitate holding onto traditions to use as an anchor, a guide, a safe harbor during the storms that accompany adult life. Sometimes it is the only time in the span of a year that everyone gets together to catch up and see each other and marvel over how big the kids are getting.
And sometimes, it is that rarest of situations, where everyone truly enjoys each other's company. Where you play games, and do secret santas, and the day is filled with laughter and love and joy and hustle and bustle that doesn't feel one bit like a chore, or a drudgery, or a day that you spend watching the second hand tick tock away the obligatory hours until you can get out of there.
In considering this issue recently, I came across a bunch of articles, advice columns, blogs, etc. In my research, and in my heart, I realized that it is OK to break some traditions. When traditions become something you hold onto like a grudge? And feel begrudged when attending? It is time, in fact, well past time, to break traditions.
When Michael and I got married, I felt incredibly lucky because our holidays split beautifully - his folks for Thanksgiving and Christmas Eve. My family for Christmas and Easter. It should have been so easy for perpetuity! No switching off years, no going to three houses on each holiday, no one left out. But when there is no joy, and in fact just bickering, sniping, and petty fights and gossip throughout the day? Accusations thrown out and children driving their parents out of the house with harsh words and a sharp tongue? Do you know what? Someone does get left out. My family unit of four gets left out. Gets brushed to the side. Misses out on celebrating each other. On a day of complete joy - worship, gathering, celebration - together. And for what?
I don't feel bad making the choice I did. My little family unit of four will enjoy opening presents in the morning. Heading to mass together. Coming home and playing with new toys and games, watching movies, and snacking throughout the day, staying up late because Michael actually has the day after Christmas off from work. Will I miss seeing my side? Yep, of course. We have an open door - come by for an hour! Come by for the day! But I have to admit...Our "traditional family gathering"? It just doesn't work anymore. I am sad that I am the only one willing to admit that and try to make a change. I don't think the big 2-5 is the only magical day that allows you to show your love and appreciation for family. I can't wait to get the cousins together over Christmas break to hang out at FunWay by Jill's, to hit a movie, to just chill out together.
The fallout? Well, we'll see. I understand there needs to a mourning period. A time for the transition. A time to adjust to the new way. And while I'm pretty sure I'm public enemy #1 right now, I hope that sobriquet fades sooner, rather than later. I keep ending up being "the bad guy" on things like this, and I know it hurts the powers that be. I don't want to hurt them. I love them, and even more amazing- I LIKE them! I don't want them to feel lost. I just want to make the holidays pleasant - not just for me, but for everyone.